All Alone

You can’t have trust without truth. You may be wondering “who is this girl talking about mindset, anxiety, and spiritual growth?” I have allowed you small glimpses into my life with some of my previous blogs, but today I want to share a little more of my truth. I’m a very private person, so this isn’t easy for me. As an influencer and spiritual life coach, I want my followers to know and trust me. Here’s my truth.

I’ve felt alone most of my life. Those of you who know me personally may wonder how I could feel alone. I grew up in a big family with plenty of people who cared about me. I’ve never met a true enemy. I have an incredible husband and two very loving children. I’ve wondered myself how I could feel so alone. That’s the power of persuasion.

You see, at a very young age I began to separate myself from everyone around me. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I began this separation, but I know without a doubt that it was my way of protecting myself from the hurt I felt. I don’t recall the exact moment when I realized that losing someone or something didn’t feel good. Perhaps it was a pet dying or running away. Maybe it was a friend choosing another friend over me. I’m not sure. All I know is that it hurt and I began to build walls to protect myself from that hurt. Every time there was an actual or perceived separation, I added another brick to my wall. It was subconscious and habitual. I didn’t even realize I was doing it.

I had trained myself to believe that separation meant protection. If I could just keep that layer of cushion between me and everyone else, then I would be safe from the hurt. Well, things don’t really work that way, do they? Eventually it all catches up to you.

Just months ago, I hit rock bottom. My sister had died and for a while I was okay, or so I thought. I tried to hide behind my wall, tried to distance myself from what had happened, but you can’t ignore pain like that. I found myself in a state of grief I had never allowed myself to feel before. It was as if all the pain I had tried to avoid for all those years created a tidal wave that completely destroyed my wall. I no longer had the layer of protection. So, I instinctively went into defense mode and started pushing away everyone that was close to me. I wasn’t going to allow myself to ever be hurt like that again.

See the pattern? It took a little while, but I realized that as I was pushing these people away, I was effectively causing the pain I was trying to avoid. By pushing them away I was losing them. Something in my brain clicked and I was like “What am I doing? If I keep this up I’m going to lose everything!” That was my wake up call.

The good news is, we can retrain our brains! Just like I had trained myself to build the layers of protection and believe that made me safe, I could retrain my brain to believe that love and closeness are good. The question I began asking myself is “Am I willing to see this differently?” It’s a profound question and if I allow myself to answer “YES!” then my life changes. I need to be able to see things differently. So I answer “yes” and look for a better way to see the situation.

Sometimes it takes a struggle to make us stronger. Today I am able to look at my struggles and see them as stepping stones. I can allow myself to be thankful for all the hurt I’ve experienced because I know I’m stronger now. That doesn’t mean I’m thankful my sister died. I’m thankful for the love and lessons she has given me. As I write and the tears fall, I know I still have work to do.

Are you willing to see things differently in your own life? When a negative thought comes up, acknowledge it and then ask “Am I willing to see this differently?” Try it for a day, a week, or a month and notice how you feel. You’ll be surprised how much it will change!

Rise up and bloom.

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